Normally I like to keep my blog posts, entertaining, funny, and light hearted. My children provide plenty of good material for all of that. I think that tonight's may be different. Tonight I am going to write about the one thing that I hate most in the world. This apparently changes with my mood, but tonight I hate men. In fact, I wish I could claim immaculate conception so I did not have to claim that Alex and Daniel came from a broken, warped, fucked up, man. My sons are amazing and I hope that they never put women through what their own father put me through, and continues to put me through. I know that I am not the only women to think, or write these words. It's amazing how wonderful things like children can come out of awful people and situations. What brings me to this post is my own frustration and hurt feelings and pride, but I think it's also how I feel deep down inside. Lately my sons have been consistently asking me where their dad is, and whenever they see a big truck they say "daddy's truck". They pick up my cell phone at night and ask to call daddy. It's heart breaking when we call night after night and he's too busy living his life two hours away with his girlfriend to take the time to answer our sons. When confronted about this he tells me to chill out and asks me why I'm freaking out. It makes me furious that he won't justify how I'm feeling and what I think. I think that I thought this would be a therapeutic post, but in reality I'm just feeling more angry and hurt with every word I write. Raise your hand if you know how this feels. I am so grateful that I have my sons. I have long since realized that they are the only men that I need in my life, well that and my daddy.
My son's father and I have been planning to take a vacation with our kids this summer, together. Who thought that would be OK? Seventeen total hours in the car together? Oh yeah that's right. me. Do you ever have one of those "what was I thinking moments"? Yeah, about six this evening I was having one of those thoughts. He may never want me, but I realized a long time ago that a small part of me will never stop wanting him, and will never be OK with him being with other women. It sucks, but I know that other moms in my situation totally get this. I know that I'm putting my party hat on and throwing myself a pity party tonight, but you know what? I don't care. Sometimes I think that I am entitled to do so, being that I have been dealing with all the shit that hits my fan, fairly well lately.
Another disappointment tonight was when I thought that I had possibly met the man that would change the single part of my blog title, but I got a phone call saying, "we talked about the distance thing and I decided I can't handle it". I very maturely said "thanks for the call and letting me know, but I'm busy and have to go", then I hung up, cried for a moment, and then sent a text saying "your loss". So I totally killed the whole handling it gracefully thing at the end, but I think I am actually a little relived since there were no sparks on the first date and he was actually a little funny looking. I just deleted his number out of my phone, as is my customary routine with ex potential boyfriends, and have cancelled my match.com membership and decided to take a year off of dating. I guess when it rains it pours and when your already down, someone or something will surely kick you down a little lower. For the record I do think that I would like to take a year off dating and mean it. So any of you men out there that have any ideas about ruining my single for a year plan, just don't. That has always been a trend when I have made that goal in the past and I actually intend to stick to it this time.
I guess the lesson I have learned from this evening is, yes it sucks when the person you want to lean on isn't there and never will be, and is the cause of most of your heartache, but it's important to keep calm, (well at least throw the hissy fit in the privacy of your home), and carry on. I think that a quote from one of my favorite singers applies well to my man frustrations. In the words of the great and fabulous Miranda Lambert, "Go on fix your make up girl, it's just a break up. Run and hide your crazy, cuz I raised you better, gotta keep it together even when you fall apart". I completely agree with this statement. It doesn't matter how you feel inside, it's your right to feel how you want to feel as long as you keep it classy and don't hurt anyone else.
Good night for now from a frustrated, fed up, and annoyed, mommy.
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